God's gentelness and our pain

When I was a teenager I prayed God.

I asked Him to make me a reflection of Him.

To take away everything unnecessary.

 

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. C. S. Lewis

To take away my pride and to help me to always obey Him.

To make sure that His will would always happen.

It was the most dangerous prayer I could have ever prayed.

Pain insists upon being attended to.

God whispers to us in our pleasures,

speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains.

It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C. S. Lewis

After that prayer I had a series of heartbreaks, disappointments, frustrations, and failures.

I felt shame.

And I felt pain.

Like never before.

It hurt so much that I actually turned away from God.

I could not accept His view for my life, and His purposes.

I could not accept that He knew better.

Or if I accepted that He knew better, I couldn’t accept that He really had thought it through.

And stubbornly I treaded on.

Until it was impossible and my life fell into pieces.

God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing. C. S. Lewis

Even then I could not accept that it was because of me.

But I blamed God, I blamed everyone else and I hurt.

I was in pain and there was nothing else in my life.

It took years to overcome.

I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me. C. S. Lewis

  

Today I pray:

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

(NIV)

God, take away everything unnecessary.

Burn all that does not matter and does not make me reflect your love and image to other people.

Make me humble and loving towards other people.

Make your love shine through me, so it is You.

Always You, and not me.

Help me to obey your will and not listen to my own pleasure.

And do it gently.

Please, God, always be gentle with me.

Because I have learned that I am not strong.

I have shattered and I need You.

Amen