Virtual Or Real - In Which World Do You Live?

A fellow blogger Susan Evans wrote a very interesting post called Virtual or Real (Part 1).

It talked to my heart as a mother. It made me think about being a mother. It made me think about my son, our relationship, our relationship with God. And what all this means. At once I felt I had to answer her.

Just a few days ago I was looking at pictures of my son when he was little. He's 11 years old now, a big boy. And I missed that little boy who would come to sit on my lap and I could pick up and carry on my arms. I miss him so much.

I have my son still, but the relationship changes all the time. And I don't want to miss the important moments. Like yesterday watching a movie together while we ate pizza. Or reading him when he goes to bed.

Just a few days ago he sighed while he was laying in the bed, hugged me and told me that he's so glad I'm there for him all the time.

I felt a queer mixed sensation. I know I try to be there, but there are so many moments I feel guilty that I spend with the computer or at work and I'm not there for him.

I struggle with this daily. I try to find moments to show that all my attention is to him. To teach him about God and God's love, by showing him, my love, mirroring the love God has with the love I have for him.

And when he talks about his love for God, how he will never forget or deny God, it makes me feel so proud of him. And scared. Because I know how hard the world can be.

I find Susan's honesty encouraging and I respect her, as a mother and a person, even more because of it.

There are moments when my son asks me something while I'm on the computer and I answer something half intelligible. Sometimes he repeats what he's saying, sometimes he waits, other times he just gives up. And it breaks my heart when I think about it later on.

There are times when my son gets angry and says: You only care about the computer. Why don't you spend time with ME?

I think it's excellent that he can express his worries and anger. But it still breaks my heart.

But it also makes me a better mother because it makes me think about my choices and he challenges me to put him first and everything else I do second.

The good thing is that I have had some opportunities to take him with me to my work. We have visited indigenous communities, he has seen how the people there live, the schools they go to. And I think it will help him to see the world in quite a different way.

But it still broke my heart when he told me that he had thought that I didn't really work but only spend time on the computer. I guess since my office is at home, that is what he sees. His mother at the computer, just spending time when she could be with him.

A heartbreaking situation that many mothers must face today.

My answer to it.

Stop working when he talks to me. I know, it kills the flow. It takes ages to remember what I was doing and find the thread of thought I was following. But it also shows that I care, that I put him on the first spot.

Write when he's at school, asleep, with his friends, find moments when he isn't around to write. And when I have to write when the work absolutely takes me away from him, explain it to him. He is big, he's nine years old, he understands a lot of things.

And like I said before, make him part of the work. Show him what I do. Make him understand why it is so important to me.

I must tell these things have improved our relationship immensely. But there is still a lot to do. And I still keep praying and seeking God to give me understanding how to show more love to my son. How to show God's love and care to my son.

"Children are not casual guests in our home.  They have been loaned to us temporarily for the purpose of loving them and instilling a foundation of values on which their future lives will be built."

James Dobson

Best job in the world - This Throwback Thursday is to all the moms in the world

This Thursday Throwback wants to conmemorate all of us that have the best job in the world - being a mom!



Do you live in the virtual world or in the real world?

How do you balance your work, your home, your blogging, your family, and your children, with everything else?

In Virtual or Real I tell my experiences of living the real life, and the virtual life.

It is always a huge temptation to try to give everything to our children.

Shouldn't we, as moms, help them through the life's difficulties?

Make their way easier and remove those nasty obstacles?

Shouldn't we give them everything their heart wishes for?

So they could be really happy.

In After the Holidays - What did I learn from not giving loads of gifts to my son?  I give my opinion of how much we should give to our children.

I thought I was ready to be a mother and I knew everything that was necessary to know.

Well, that was a gross misconception if there ever has been one.

And I sure learned it the first day I came home from the hospital.

Read about How my son taught me to be a mother

Have you travelled with your child?

You must know that it's not the easiest thing in the world.

Or have you ever been in an airplane, a train or a bus with a child that just screams, or won't behave?

That is not fun either.

You know that group of annoying passengers - the screaming child with the parents that just don't care?

 A pet is part of the family, that is something I have learned.

And this particular pet helped us through such a difficult time.

This is Our new home - Why we love Bailarina

These are my stories of motherhood.

The good, the bad, and, even, the ugly.

I hope you could relate!

Time and attention - the most precious things in the Universe

I only have one child, so you would think that I don't have deal with jealousy issues.

Well, somehow my son managed to be jealous to his father, cousins, random adults and even the phone.

Just when I would be talking in the phone, in the middle of the conversation, he would come to me to ask something.

Nothing really important, just some random fact or piece of information he supposedly needed just now.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Or he would be shouting mom, I need help. I need a sandwich. I want you to see this, just about anything urgent, according to him.

The situation would escalate to me yelling at him to be quiet while I talked on the phone and him yelling me back or crying his eyes out because I was a bad mother.

He would actually say that to me, you are a bad mother, he would scream me.

Let me tell you that it can break your heart hear your six year old son, sobbing his heart out and telling you that you are a bad mother.

Deuteronomy 6:7  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 

Other moms would tell me that it would pass.

That their children would do it also.

That it was normal and he just wanted the attention.

I knew he wanted the attention.

But what I didn’t know was, how to give him a feeling that I was there for him but that at that moment I had to attend to someone else.

How to teach him to be considerate, to see things from other person’s point of view, without a sibling?

“The family should be a closely knit group. The home should be a self-contained shelter of security; a kind of school where life’s basic lessons are taught; and a kind of church where God is honored; a place where wholesome recreation and simple pleasures are enjoyed.”~ Billy Graham

Finally I had to sit down and pray.

The situation was out of hand.

I was going against my principles.

I was shouting at my son, getting angry at him.

And he was interpreting it as I didn’t love him, that he didn’t matter enough to me to leave the phone or the other person and give him my attention.

He wanted to be the center of my attention.

But he was at an age that he needed to learn to wait his turn.

“A child needs both to be hugged and unhugged. The hug lets her know she is valuable. The unhug lets her know that she is viable. If you’re always shoving your child away, they will cling to you for love. If you’re always holding them closer, they will cling to you for fear.” ~ Polly Berrien Berends

I had been practicing a stern look with him.

I have always loved Mary Poppins movies and movies and books about nannies and how they would just look someone and they’d be quiet at once.

I thought that was phenomenal.

I didn’t want my son to be afraid of me and calm down because of that.

But I wanted to give him a bodily sign that what he was doing was incorrect; instead of trying to yell harder than he was shouting.

So, I tried the same thing with the phone.

A wise person truly said, “It ought to be as impossible to forget that there is a Christian in the house as it is to forget that there is a ten-year-old boy in it.” ~ Roger J. Squire

I would raise my hand, sort of talk to the hand gesture, combined with the stern look.

Besides this I had a talk with him where I explained that it was impolite of him to interrupt when I was talking with other people or on the phone.

I explained that he was the most important thing for me but he needed to wait his turn.

Then I promised to give him my full attention.

When I was a child, I remember how disappointed I was when my parents wouldn’t keep their promises, no matter how tiny things they were.

Matthew 7:12  “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

This is why I have an absolute, if you give a promise you must keep it, no matter the cost policy.

I never want my son to lose his confidence in me.

If I promise something, I’ll keep it, period.

So, every time, he would stand there.

Looking at me with his big eyes, his lips trembling, sometimes his whole body trembling with the energy charge.

Sometimes he would start talking and I would give him another look.

I believe that if an angel were to wing his way from earth up to Heaven, and were to say that there was one poor, ragged boy, without father or mother, with no one to care for him and teach him the way of life; and if God were to ask who among them were willing to come down to this earth and live here for fifty years and lead that one to Jesus Christ, every angel in Heaven would volunteer to go. Even Gabriel, who stands in the presence of the Almighty, would say, “Let me leave my high and lofty position, and let me have the luxury of leading one soul to Jesus Christ.” There is no greater honour than to be the instrument in God’s hands of leading one person out of the kingdom of Satan into the glorious light of Heaven. ~ Dwight L. Moody

And when I ended the phone conversation my time would be just for him.

It was hard, for us both.

But what I learned is that the most precious thing for my son was my time and attention.

That was what he craved for and that was all that he wanted.

Maybe it was a minute that he would invent something he supposed came to tell me and run back outside to play.

Maybe it would be five minutes to make him a sandwich and watch him eat it.

Maybe it would take half an hour of reading with him or sitting next to him while he watched the TV.

Proverbs 1:8

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.

But if I gave him the time when he asked, he would be perfectly happy to continue without me.

Now he’s bigger and he doesn’t ask my time and attention the same way.

And to tell the truth, it makes me sad.

He’s almost ten, so it’s time he learns to be more independent, to do more things by himself, to not to depend on me.

But being the most important person for your child is something precious.

Something that nothing else can replace.

And I miss it. I miss my baby.

You know that group of annoying passengers - the screaming child with the parents that just don't care?

Have you had to spend time in a plane with those passengers? You know the ones? The screaming child with his temper tantrum and parents that just won’t do a thing.

What a horrible situation, right? They just have no respect for other passengers.

And no DISCIPLINE!

Baeza's Special Education school's students at the school bus.

Why don’t they discipline that child? Why they even have a child if they don’t know how to raise him?

Shouldn’t their parental rights be revoked?

At least, shouldn’t they be shot out of the plane? Or put on a black list so they can never buy a ticket? EVER!

I’ve been there; I’ve felt that, I’ve thought that, I’ve done that.

First when I was single. I used to think everything would be right if the parents would just FIX their children.

Baeza's Special Education school's students at the school bus.

I mean, I knew how to behave, right?

My parents taught me to respect public spaces.

I’ve always behaved, as far as I can remember.

Not many of us remember how we behaved when we were under two years old, though. Not even how we behaved when we were four years old.

A student from Baeza's Special Education school in the school bus.

And then I have been in the spot of the parent.

When my son was four years old we went to visit my family to Finland for the first time in his life.

I must explain that my son has ADHD. It is not a very severe case, he does not have medication but it does make his life a bit more difficult than the life of other children and people.

He needs to try harder, work harder, concentrate harder, fix his mistakes, try out again, and repeat so many times, that it just breaks my heart.

And I know he doesn’t want to behave the way he does. I can see when the impulses take over.

It’s not my sweet, gentle son, who loves animals and always fights for the underdog, is respectful and kind and overall well behaved.

But it is so hard to explain to someone else how much we train at home. How much he WORKS to control his impulses. How much he tries to win them and how many times he fails, cries and has to ask forgiveness for something he did, because he just couldn’t control himself.

When he goes on an overload and his impulses take over he turns into a screaming, punching, kicking mess of temper tantrum.

Usually I can recognize these situation beforehand and take charge.

That is what a mother is for, right? To take charge, to be the safety valve, the fix up system, to raise her child.

The biggest problems are when his schedule is changed, when he doesn’t eat at the right time, or sleep at the right time.

Also any kind of change is a big problem. Change from the usual schedule. Or change from the usual environment.

He has a lot of difficulties with new things. When there is too much new happening, he goes to a sensory overload and the impulses take over.

I knew this when we loaded that plane.

And I was prepared.

Students from Baeza's Special Education school at their classroom.

I had a MiniDVD player with all of his favorite movies with us.

I had a new coloring book and an old coloring book.

I had new and old colors.

I had some old toys and some new toys.

I had activity books and his favorite children’s story book.

The old things were to give him safety, the new things to make playing and coloring more interesting.

But it was too much.

Student from Baeza's Special Education school waiting to get to the school bus.

He didn’t want to eat airplane food. And I must say the airline had made it especially difficult for us with their Brazilian special menu.

The adults must have enjoyed the new tastes, but my four year old sure didn’t want to try spicy mashed sweet potatoes with mixed vegetable and meat sauce.

And, no I couldn’t bring anything to drink for him. And no, it was not possible to bring any homemade food that he would have eaten to the plane.

Thank you airline policies and international terrorism. And I know it wasn’t against me, or us, personally. But at that moment it sure felt like it.

All he ate through the 12 hour flight was few bags of roasted almonds.

After four hours we landed in Bonaire, Caribe. He stood up and with a huge smile, he asked: Are we there, yet?

Any parent knows that it’s all downhill from here on.

Well, an ADHD parent knows that downhill to hell is small to describe what is going to happen.

So, we spent an hour in intense Caribbean heat, outside of the plane, waiting for the airport cleaning crew to get finished.

And listening to my son wailing his lungs out.

I carried him around. I tried to buy him snacks (there was nothing at the airport, just cheese).

I sung to him. I tried to read to him. I tried to play with him.

Finally I was ready to cry with him.

But that doesn’t work.

So, I continued to carry him around, while singing him louder and louder, trying to outsing his wailing.

I think the copassengers where thinking that I should have just smacked him. Wish it were that easy.

Smack, it’s off.

A student from Baeza's Special Education school.

Well, my son is a human. Not a mechanical toy. There’s no off button.

Back in the plane, the temper tantrum started in full blow.

My son announced that he wanted down. He wanted back to home. He was tired of traveling and didn’t want to go on.

I did my best to explain to a four year old, why it was not possible.

And then it happened.

He started screaming, swearing, kicking and punching.

A student from Baeza's Special Education School.

What I didn’t take into consideration was the person sitting on the other side of him.

There are always three seats or more, so of course, there was a person on the other side of him.

And sadly, horribly, instead of hitting and punching his mom that, after all, was quite used to it and knew how to grab him and hold him, to calm him down.

He started to kick and punch the gentleman, in a very beautiful suit, sitting next to him.

It was horrible to watch and went on for quite a while until I got a good grab of him and was able to calm him down.

And because there was such a sensory overload going on, it happened again, and again, and again.

And the gentleman next to us?

He graciously accepted my apology, every time.

I saw his look of horror when he thought I wasn’t watching, though. But he never ever complained or raised his voice or showed any anger towards my son.

Which would have, of course, made the situation even worse.

Besides him, the airline attendants were saving angels.

When they saw that my son wouldn’t eat, they saved bags of roasted almonds for him and orange juice.

They gave him a huge bag of goodies and he was happy at least for an hour just looking through it at all his treasure.

People can be so good.

A student with a teacher from Baeza Special Education school.

I know it was a difficult situation for everyone on the plane.

It was made quite clear to me by many of the other passengers.

I know that if I had been on that plane before my son was born, I would have been one of them also.

When we got back after our visit, I was even more prepared.

But so was my son.

Now he knew what was going on and he had no problem with the flight.

He actually enjoyed it immensely.

I don’t know the name of the gentleman next to us or the names of the attendants.

But they sure showed us that people can have kindness and understanding in their hearts.

Thank you!