What is love?
When I was having a marital crisis and felt that I did not love my husband anymore, this was a very important question for me.
What was love, what was is it exactly that was missing?
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“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are
imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass,
God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those
who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf
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He felt the same way, and told me, that he did not love me anymore.
There was no loving feeling in our marriage, no passion, no great sentiment.
For him, finally, it meant searching the feeling with other woman.
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight
in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there
are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1
Corinthians 13:4-8
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For me it meant a search for what love is, the Biblical love.
The love that goes beyond our feelings, beyond our fantasies of romantic love.
My relationship with God wasn't at its greatest moment.
I had lots of issues and one of them was love, and what God's love meant, especially what it meant in my life.
I tried to find answers in my relationship with my son.
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“To
truly try means to accept God's love, his healing, to accept the world can be
ugly, but your heart doesn't have to be. It takes courage, Finley the warrior.
You haven't held on to your anger and bitterness in search of healing, but as a
banner of your hurt. Because it's real and visible and strong, " she said.
"But so is God's love and so are those arms he's holding out for you.”
― Jenny B. Jones, There You'll Find Me
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My relationship with my parents is very difficult, my mother has many issues with her parents, and it is hard for my father to show his feelings.
They have told me many times that they love me, but I have never quite understood what it means.
With my son, I was overwhelmed by love.
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Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in
love.
Ephesians
4:2
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It was so fierce, and so hard to understand.
And so mixed with a need.
A need to be with him, to be there for him, a need for his love and appreciation.
Because I am a perfectionist, and I could not unite my heart with my head, my first reaction to explain love was by denying that need.
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“When
I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of
'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not
uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving
the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.”
― C.S. Lewis
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For love to be pure and perfect, you have to separate yourself from that
need.
To truly love, it cannot be selfish; you cannot love someone because you
need them your life.
Love must go beyond need.
You must not need the person; find a way to be happy and live your life
well without that person, and then you can really love them.
So, you would love someone by killing that love first.
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Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude
of sins.
1
Peter 4:8
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Kill the feeling, and leave the words.
Then I thought that love would be in the acts.
You love someone by showing them love, by doing loving acts, even if you don't feel love, especially because you don't feel love, THEN it is true love.
Again, love became a task, without feeling, with nothing spontaneous or happy about it.
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“It's
not about finding ways to avoid God's judgment and feeling like a failure if
you don't do everything perfectly. It's about fully experiencing God's love and
letting it perfect you. It's not about being somebody you are not. It's about
becoming who you really are.”
― Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Woman
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I learned to control my heart, I learned to control my acts, and even my tongue.
But I did not learn to love my husband.
I could act like I loved him.
I could feel that he was important to me, because he was the father of my son.
I could even feel tenderness and caring towards him, for all the years we had been together.
But I could not feel love and what really was in my heart, was hurt and bitter pain.
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Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone
who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7
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Little by little God started changing me.
In my search I had found out that I could not change another person, only myself.
So, I prayed God to change me, to change my heart, to give me a loving heart, to make me a loving person.
And in that process I found a loving God.
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“Legalism
says God will love us if we change. The gospel says God will change us because
He loves us.”
― Tullian Tchividjian
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God, who is filled with feelings.
God, who needs me.
God, who acts on that love, who cares and wants to be close to me.
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There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear
has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in
love. We love
because he first loved us.
1
John 4:18-19
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We did not make it with my husband.
He found someone else who gave the feeling of love to him, made him feel in-love again.
But I learned what it to love and to be loved.
And how to show it to my son.
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“Here's
the paradox. We can fully embrace God's love only when we recognize how
completely unworthy of it we are.”
― Ann Tatlock, The Returning
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Love is to need you and show it to you, to be vulnerable.
Love is to hope, against everything, that you will love me back.
Love is to have faith in you, and in your love, always.