Give me an undivided heart

I started this year with an ambitious goal of writings a blog post every day.

Not a New Year’s Resolution but a monthly challenge to see if I could do it and build my blog at the same time.

I was able to do it in January and I learned a lot.

Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

I met a lot of bloggers, I read a lot of blog posts and understood much better who I wanted to be as a blogger myself.

There are so many blogs out there, some of them are amazing, some of them are attractive and interesting, and some of them I wish were mine.

Some of them make a lot of money and some of them just don’t have an idea who they are and what they want to write.

It can be quite sad and disturbing to try to read some of the posts.

PSALM 86:11-13 “Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.” (NIV)

During the January I read books, I had my morning devotionals, and even learned new things about my faith and prayer life.

The best thing about the whole month was how my relationship with God grew and got stronger.

I also found new friends and advice for my life that I want to follow.

I managed to do my daily work, be with my son and help him to get through his exam period with relatively good grades, actually very good grades for him considering his ADHD.

It was even possible to attend all the extra meetings for the last years report and plan for February's teacher trainings.

“Spiritual people are not those who engage in certain spiritual practices; they are those who draw their life from a conversational relationship with God.”- Dallas Willard

At the end of the January my friends came visiting from Finland on their way to their mission in Peru.

I got to spend time with them and relax but I still managed to keep writing and posting.

Admittedly, I was sleeping five or four hours at night, sometimes even less.

Then came the February, my boss came from Finland, and a very good friend of mine from Alaska.

Romans 12:1 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.”

The teacher training started and at the same time we had a huge amount of meetings about the last years report, this year’s work, and the future three year project we want to start next year.

My friend was doing the in-services for inclusive and special education.

She is a special education teacher and has so much to offer, especially about teaching reading and writing skills and adapting the teaching for learning disability students.

But she cannot speak Spanish and I had to be there to translate.

Also Kichwa culture isn’t the same as the States, Ecuador doesn’t have the same possibilities, and I had to interpret it for the culture and place we are in.

PSALM 27:1 “The LORD is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life. Of whom shall I be afraid?”

I noticed that in order to keep doing everything I could only sleep three or four hours a night.

I just could not keep it up anymore.

I wasn’t able to dedicate time to my devotionals or reading the Bible.

I was feeling that I have absolutely nothing to give.

I started to wonder if the blog was a distraction.

It had seemed such a good idea, a wonderful way to reach out to people and share God and my passion for Him with them.

“My heart goes out to you, and I long to see you all coming constantly to God for a fresh supply of love.” - D.L. Moody

I knew that February was going to be hard.

I had seen the plans; I was the one who made most of the plans for the February at work.

And I had been praying in advance, for God to show if this was what He meant for me.

If blogging is from Him, then He will show me the way.

If it is not, then the blog can be done with.

PSALM 13:5-6 "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." (NIV)

Last week I was too tired to even open the computer.

I had some posts prepared, Blogger conveniently posted them for me on schedule but I was just not able to promote them.

When I had a chance to visit the blog, I could see how the readership swindled down.

Was the blog becoming a distraction?

"Something of God... flows into us from the blue of the sky, the taste of honey, the delicious embrace of water whether cold or hot, and even from sleep itself." -- C. S. Lewis in Scraps', St. James' Magazine

What should I do when I only have so much time and I need to choose between reading the Bible and doing a blog post?

On Sunday I could finally think straight, after sleeping most of the Saturday.

It was wonderful to find myself, in front of God, without distractions.

Isaiah 12:2 - "Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strenght and my song; he also has become my salvation."

Anything good can be bad, anything beautiful and excellent we do without giving it God and concentrating on His will first, can be damaging to us and other people.

And the distractions might be opportunities or God talking to us, nudging us to pay Him attention.

If I am silent enough to listen to His words, I can be sure He will find the way.

If I pay attention and heed to His will, He will succeed.

There is only one golden rule, only one way, only one God and the joy is only found in Him.

"Don't bother to give God instructions; just report for duty." - Corrie Ten Boom

This post is featured in:

Fellowship Fridays

Missional Women - Faith Filled Friday

God’s story never ends with ashes

I had no idea what would happen when I decided I want to write a blog for real.

I have been toying with the idea for some time.

But last year I finally did, it's not even that many months ago.

I was afraid, I did not know how much I should share.

But at the same time, I knew that to write, I needed to be myself.

And being myself means writing about what is important to me.

First of all, God, my love to Him and more than anything, His love for me and for everyone.

“God has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense.”-- C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain

But it also means being honest of my downfalls as a human and as a mother.

Bearing my stuggles and questions, my insecurities and problems, my pain and suffering.

But what I most look forward is sharing the joy.

God has promised me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness.

Galatians 5:22: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”

What I could never imagine was the blogging communities and groups, and the bloggers, I would encounter.

I have shared my feelings of disconect here in Ecuador as ex-pat and I have recieved love and friendship in return.

I have told about mistakes, imperfections and errors, and I have been conforted and accepted.

I never imagined how intimate the relationship between a blogger and her readers can become.

I can only be thankful to you all and praise Lord for answering to my prayers.

“What wings are to a bird, and sails to a ship, so is prayer to the soul.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

It has been such a short time and I have found new friends, wonderful blogs to follow and encouragement for my mission.

And I have felt God touching my heart, calling me to His word and teaching me through all this.

It is more and more clearer to me that I must decrease so He can increase.

I want to be filled with His love and shine it through, share His love with everyone else.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

The prize I'm searching is to see God's light piercing through me.

Like a jar of clay, wearing thinner and thinner every day.

If you could only see Him shining through me.

May I praise Him, revere Him and serve Him.

May my life be a living sacrifice for Him.

A glorious day of love and brightness, sculpted by pain.

I am still lost in the mist, fooled by the fog.

But I know in my heart, I will see.

“Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God’s story never ends with ‘ashes.” — Elisabeth Elliot

Humble yourselves

“If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

Lately I have been visiting schools and evaluating the special education teachers that are in our program. The schools are in the rural area, people are very poor, there aren't many possibilities. Our students didn't have the oportunity to attend a school before the program because of their disabilities.

Supposedly this should be a wonderful opportunity to see how their lives have been improved by everything we have done. When I visit the schools I have the security that I am making an impact in people's lives, I'm doing what God called me to do.

And then I come across a school where the best thing I can say is that the teacher won't be there for a long time anymore. No, it's not that the teacher has been abusing or mistreating the students. The teachers just haven't been doing what she was supposed. She/he hasn't even been there to do it. Or when she/he has been she's been too busy to attend the students. Or she/he just hasn't been interested in teaching. Or she/he thinks that these students won't learn anything anyways, they are impossible to teach, everything is just a waste of time.
So, what should I do?

1 Peter 5:6 - “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.”

Give up? Scream? Demand the district to fire the teacher? Hit him/her? Cry? Insult him/her? Just go home and try harder?

What if it isn't me? What if I have done EVERYTHING that is humanely possible? What if there is NOTHING more for me to do?

For me here is an important lesson, because “If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest.” ― Corrie Ten Boom. Even when everything seems impossible and all my hopes are frustrated, it's not true. I just have been looking in the wrong direction.
But looking at the right direction isn't all that I need. In everything I do, there is an I. There I am, proud and vain, for everything that "I" do. Is this really about me? Am I the saviour here? Did I come here to change the lives of these people?

It is so easy to make everything about me, to exalt myself. After all, who is doing all the work?

Philippians 3:13: “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Well, who is doing all the work? Think about it...

Maybe I should sit down and think this over. What does the Bible say? In 1 Peter 5:6 - “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.”

It's so easy to be proud and think that I am better than other people.

So, it's same old same old... Fighting with the pride. I definedly am not doing what I want. How am I ever supposed to be free of sin?

At least I'm not alone, at least there is hope for me. In Paul's words Philippians 3:13: “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

What if God were like me? Ready to give up and scream? Just waiting for a chance to say, Oh! She's not worth it! Why in earth did I let my son to die for HER?! The best thing here is that she'll die soon and then I won't have to see her EVER again!

“Nothing is yet in its true form.”-- C.S. Lewis in Till We Have Faces

I know I'm not worth being saved. I wouldn't be here without God's mercy and infinite compassion. I need His forgiveness every day of my life. But I'm ready to throw other people overboard, because they aren't worth it. They aren't trying hard enough. They aren't intelligent enough. They aren't working for it.

My life was given me for free. In John Newton's words: "Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, Was blind but now I see".

How many times I thank God for saving me and then turn around to stab my neighbour in the back.

Sadly, I still am blind and can't see the people around me for who they really are, Children of Powerfull King, Descendants of Eternal Sovereign, Heirs to the Ruler Over Us All.

I really need to remember C. S. Lewis' words: "Nothing is yet in its true form". The way I see people around me isn't who they really are.

“God is honored by large, difficult, and impossible requests when we ask, seek, knock, and trust our loving Father always to answer for our good.” - Charles F. Stanley

So, I must return to where I begun. I need to fasten my eyes to God and wait for Him. I need to be sure in His promises.

After all “God is honored by large, difficult, and impossible requests when we ask, seek, knock, and trust our loving Father always to answer for our good.” - Charles F. Stanley